Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
