Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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