Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
