On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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