Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
