3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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