I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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