this beer tastes like vomit already
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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