Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
