You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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