I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
