Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
