The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
