walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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