I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
