1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Come see our sink grown plant.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
