we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm at about main and main street
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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