Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She's just so happy...and so naked.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
