Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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