God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
