my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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