so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
