here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
