You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
