I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
