those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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