Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
