Do you still have your period?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
