You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
