operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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