Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
