dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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