im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
