i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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