Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
