My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
