If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up under a house in Key West
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
