There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
