Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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