ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we're making bets on your personal life
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
