went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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