My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
