i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
