He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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