he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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