im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
