a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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