He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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