and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
