you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
