Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
