Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
