If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
