I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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