Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
