4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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