Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
