My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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