do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize