i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
